Resident Moaner
by Aquamonkey
Summary: This is a parody, and not meant to be taken seriously. This is my take on some of the scenes in RE4. They will not be in order of when the scenes happen in-game. I do not own Resident Evil or any of the characters. Rated M for swearing and suggestive themes.
1. Annoyance

Resident Moaner

Annoyance

"Quick, let's get in this conveniently placed house that has no glass in it's windows, but we should be fine. Ashley, run faster!"

Leon and Ashley rush into the house, slamming the door behind them. Luis then enters, looking smug.

"Luis, where have you been? And how did you get here without being mauled?" Luis laughed. "What can I say, the men were too jealous of my charms to attack me, and the women? Well, they were all over me. Luckily for me, none were my type, so I threw them off and ran as fast as I could".

Ashley rolled her eyes at the stranger. She muttered 'vain bastard' and Leon heard it.

"There's no need for that Ash, at least he isn't over here, trying it on. He looks that type. Ahem. Anyway. This is Ashley, the girl I was talking about".

Ashley tilted her head. "Talking about what exactly? Actually, I don't want to know".

Luis smirked. "Ah. I see the presidents equipped his daughter with ballistics".

Ashley's jaw dropped and Leon almost laughed. She gave him a fierce glare and he looked away. "Ugh, how rude! Seriously, fuck you. I only met you like five minutes ago and you say that? What happened to, 'Hi, I'm Luis'? Asshole".

Luis kept his smirk. "Oh, and she has a mouth on her. That's good. I can think of a way to muffle that".

Now Leon laughed, and his cheeks went red. Ashley went to smack him but heard a groaning noise. "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Luis, cut that out! That was disgusting".

The supposed culprit of the noise shook his head. "That wasn't me". He looked out of a window. "Shit, more ganados, and by the looks of it, at least fifty. Anyone got a plan?"

Leon took out his pistol and reloaded it. "Right. There are cupboards, by the windows? Really? Who does that with both windows?...Anyway, Luis and I can push them to cover the windows. The door can have a plank put under the handle. Ashley?"

She looked to him. "Yeah?"

"Hide". She looked around, and upstairs and couldn't find anywhere to hide.

"Erm, Leon? There isn't anywhere to go".

Luis suppressed a snort. "Hah, she's too big to fit anywhere". Now Ashley was mad, the red haze of anger ghosted over her eyes.

"LUIS! Say something like that again, and the virus won't kill you, I will".

Both Leon and Luis burst out in a fit of laughter. When Leon had finally calmed down he replied. "You? With a gun? Sorry Ash, but that would be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I may just die laughing".

Luis nodded in agreement. The ganados were on their way, and now were very close to the house. Two bangs were heard upstairs, and everyone looked up to see the tops of ladders outside the two windows.

Leon cursed. "Ah shit".

Luis seemed calm as he drew his shotgun. "I'll take down here".

Ashley screeched. "Where should I go?" She tugged on Leon's t-shirt.

"LEON!"

Leon held the bridge of his nose, and took a deep breath. "Just get behind me and move when I move, and for the sake of my eardrums...STOP screaming Leon! Unless you are in seriously trouble, then please, just stop".

He took another deep breath, and the door was being banged on loudly. The ganados wanted in the house, and quickly. The men readied themselves and Ashley just panicked.


	2. Stranger

Stranger

Leon saw the now familiar blue flame around the corner, and he sighed and sigh of relief. The merchant would provide weapons and medical supplies.

"Am glad to see you".

The merchant nodded. "Welcome stranger".

Leon shrugged. "Stranger? Ok I haven't really spoken with you, but this is the second time I have seen you. We aren't friends, but I don't think I am stranger anymore, do you? I'm Leon". He held out his hand.

The merchant just stood there. "Stranger".

Leon shook his head. "Never mind. Right, what do you have for me?"

"Got a selection of good things on sale, stranger".

He opened his jacket and Leon saw the usually menagerie of weapons and some first aid sprays. He looked to a gun he hadn't seen before.

"Ooh, is that a Blacktail?"

The merchant nodded.

"I'll take that. But damn, my invisible attache case is too small. Shit...SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT ASHLEY!" He could have sworn he heard the merchant laugh.

"Ashley!"

He heard quiet 'Leon!" back, and then the sound got louder as the young woman ran towards him, knocking him down in the process.

"Leon! You bastard. Am I that annoying that you don't want to take me with you?"

Leon pondered his answer, and the merchant put the tips of his fingers across his own throat, warning Leon of the complications of his answer.

"I am not answering that. Right. You okay?"

Ashley stood up and dusted herself off. "Yeah. Little bit ruffled, but no ganados on the way, thanks to you". She batted her eyelids at him and he looked away.

"Well then". He turned to the merchant. "I would like that gun, but my attache case is too small".

Ashley laughed, and Leon snarled at her. "Oh grow up".

"Hehe, the merchant's attache case is bigger than yours".

Leon growled and looked at the offending attache case at the merchant's feet.

"I will buy that too, solve that little, problem. That and the Blacktail".

He produced a load of gold blocks, and merchant who looked at him like he had stolen them and run away.

"Er, stranger, how do I know that the money there is the right amount?"

Leon looked confused. "Actually, I don't even know what amount I just put in front of you. Hold on, I'll count it".

Moaning was heard further up the hill, and Ashley ran behind the merchant. He turned and looked at her, and she shrugged.

"What? Leon is busy and I don't know what to do with a gun. And I broke a nail. Ugh, I am so not happy right now".

The merchant laughed, and Leon looked at him, and started laughing with him. Ashley's mouth formed a thin line, as she waited for the little boys to grow up. Eventually, they did and Leon went back to counting.

"One gold block is 5000 right? So I just put two, then two more on top. Is that enough?"

The merchant shook his head, and then jumped when Ashley grabbed the bottom of his trench coat.

"Great, back to putting more blocks on top of each other".

Ashley was panicking, despite no more noises being heard for quite a while. The merchant turned around and seemed to pity her. She smiled at him, and he looked back to see Leon, standing up, with a smile on his face.

"Will 200,000 cover it?"

The merchant's eyes lit up.

"Yes stranger. Will you be needing anything else?"

"Yeah, two first aid sprays".

"You can only buy one at a time".

Leon shook his head. "Why is that? That is stupid".

The merchant's mouth mask moved and Leon could have sworn that he was smirking.

"Them's the rules stranger. Take it or leave it".

"No! I need them. That's fine. Wait". He checked his pockets and found out that he had run out of money.

"Oh fuck. Ashley, let's get moving". His new attache case vanished after he put his handgun in, and holstered his new Blacktail.

Ashley stood up, and smiled at the merchant and then walked away with Leon.

"Goodbye strangers".


End file.
